Ordering Pizza in 2010

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This post and all those below it represent entries sent to readers via email before Vita ab Alto started. They are placed here for reference and amusement.

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It surprised me to find out that you'd still be talking to a live person in Hillary's America, but then I found out that the operator was in Bombay...

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized one's, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little >awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Monk

Update: Chefjef responds.

Hey, no fair.... all of the legislation that has made the types of intrusions in this scenario possible have been pushed by Repubs... specifically neocon's...one
of the points of emerging contention between "Reagan Repubs" and neocons is the neocon distinct lack of obedience to constitutional principles, states rights
and personal privacy in the pursuit of some of their policy goals.

But, I'll gove you one thing..... if Hillary is the Dem candidate in '08, I'll have to vote Repub or third party. Can you imagine her as President? I didn't think she was going to run, but her posturing the last few months had made it clear that she is certainly both entertaining and testing out the possibility of so doing. I think she could win the nomination, but cannot win a national election. If I were a
republican, I would do everything I could to facilitate her success in the 2008 primary.

I'll give you that last paragraph, though... pretty funny (well, maybe to lawyers). The exclusionary clause on selling soda to diabetics... definitely a fringe benefit of "Trial Lawyers gone bad," right up there with the warning labels that come inside new blenders that say "do not insert hand while operating." I can see Barbara Boxer sponsoring an amendment to the Constitution now!

Chefjef