Musician Jokes: The Defininitive Collection
Thought y'all might enjoy these.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead
Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Monk
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead
Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Monk
posted by Monk at 7:29 AM
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